I gave another of my library talks on Tuesday evening.
It wasn’t one of the big audiences, but only – ermm … [thinks] … about seven people, We sat in lovely comfy chairs, with a big plate of nibblies of various kinds and a tray of bottles of nice stuff (including champers !). I had a glass of a very nice white: I needed something, as at that stage I thought no-one at all was going to turn up – it was pissing down, outside. But they did, all at once, and off we went. I mean, of course, off I went …
It was the first time I’d talked in so intimate a setting: I blame my behaviour on that – surely not on one measly glass of white !
For I think I must have showed/shown off dreadfully. I confess that I’ve always been ready to do that – to show off – and every one of you who is itching to say “Tell me about it !” can go to blazes. :-)
I gave a version of The Talk, and then read Sue Terry’s review of “ATLMD” to them; this I had decided would put the book in a better light, so to speak, than its author could (as she is bound to say nice things about it, isn’t she ?!). And I finished with reading them a very short chapter. Then I said “Now ask me something” and sat back.
To my surprise, it was the first group who didn’t ask me about the film industry: no, I found we were discussing, to my appalled horror, my abilities as a speaker ! This is not meant to happen, and I floundered under the compliments: I am hopeless at being gracious in such circumstances, and want nothing more than for it to stop. This is A Failing, as has been pointed out to me: one is meant to be able to accept nice things said to one and not screw one’s face up and look the other way. Something to do with self-esteem, right ?
Those of you who have already read “ATLMD” know that said quality is not … ahh … omnipresent in your correspondent. I do realize that those who haven’t can be forgiven for thinking I’m a loudmouth smart-(_|_) who thinks the sun shines out of the same spot, but that’s just years of brazening it out. I think …
But then I have to admit the business of the showing-off.
They don’t marry. How can one person be a frightful show-off and have no self-esteem at the same time ?
Nothing to do with extra- or introversion (sorry, Chris !) …
I must still be fodder for someone to trepan me and stare fixedly into what I laughingly refer to as my brain, and then come up with a pronouncement of amazing depth and wisdom.
I sure could use one.