OK … this is it !

I’m packing death.

Have just realized that I don’t know if anyone other than an Aussie understands that phrase … Well, it means that I am shit-scared, basically.

Nothing to fear about moving (next Wednesday) into an absolutely delightful unit – roomy, bright, full of gardening promise, ditto cooking – how could there be ?

No nerves regarding future living in a place where I can walk for 3 or 4 minutes to a cafe (on my premises) that sells exactly the kind of edibles that appeal – cheese & salad rolls, arancini and all that kind of stuff.

No anxiety re being able to go to a gym whenever I want, or join a choir, or do a daily walk (dream on !) of exactly one kilometre …

But.

What causes the sweat on the brow and the sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach is actually simple: this is my last move. I must acknowledge that I really do fall into the “elderly” category, regardless of how I see myself as a person.  Forget the jeans and the runners and the clipper job on the hair. I’ve reached the stage where I have to step over a line – and it’s a vital one.

It’s the line between being sufficiently carefree as to be able to look around and think how many people there are who are so much older than I; and reality. The line between offering my seat on a bus to an old person; and not doing that. The line between telling myself I will, one day, find somewhere to live that I can be happy with; and knowing that if I’m not happy where I’m about to move to, then it’s tough shit.

This is it.

I think most people don’t have to face a step like this: by the time they’re in their mid-70s they’re well settled into whatever is their lifestyle. Of course there are many who have to go into care places – but when they’re still healthy and … erhmm … ambulatory ?

It’s the very reason I look on this offer as a gift from the gods that causes fear.

Vedremo …

4 thoughts on “OK … this is it !

  1. Sounds perfect Margaret. And what you say is how I (theoretically) think. I’m not at that stage yet but I know that when (if I’m lucky enough) it comes I will be positive about all thise thingd you name. I have had nonagenarians in my life since 2004 so have seen a lot of aging. I have no desire to lend my current home feet first as so many say, because it will be an isolating place when I can no longer drive etc. I know me and I know I’ll enjoy being somewhere with those conveniences so I can keep on living and doing as much as I can of what I like going. BUT as you say it’s what it means in the big picture that is disquieting!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “I’ve reached the stage where I have to step over a line – and it’s a vital one. “- this gave me a jolt. Not, I imagine, unlike the sinking feeling your describe.

    I’m glad you wrote this. It gives one pause.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. At the heart of it all are some basic facts, Maggie: (1) no family within coo-ee, nor ever will be; (2) total dependence upon the age pension; (3) no assets; (4) the fear that my friends here might get to wonder if I expect them to look after me.. All of which combine to make angst creep up with the years …
      But in spite of everything, I have no wish to leave Geelong, nor change anything about the way I live. The offer that was made me some weeks back was a total bolt from the blue: and I am one of the luckiest grumblers you’ll find in a day’s march. :)

      Liked by 1 person

Go on - you can say it. :)

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