I am more than merely the “big” that my beloved second-eldest sister was wont to tell me – I am fat. Have been for nearly all my life – apart from those times when the need not to be over-rode everything else; but they were short-lived. I am a distinct A shape; I can often wear tops that are 3 sizes smaller than my pants – and it is always pants, for I never wear skirts (if you’d inherited my mother’s ankles, you wouldn’t either !)

So here I am, trying to make myself garments because I so detest shopping for them that 95% of my ‘wardrobe’ is roughly 17-22 years old – going back to when Chic was with me and would drag me off to buy some new gear. Then, I was unenthusiastic about it: now, it fills me with fear and loathing.

Consider this poor crocheting person: her shoulders are nothing like a swimmer’s, so there are many patterns I could use that fitted me from the top down to the waist. Thereafter they would fly apart and become useless in terms of protecting me from cold; and certainly any kind of button of toggle would be screaming in a tiny voice (like Boodie’s) across the vast tundra of my tum to its matching thingy on the other side – which would be screaming back “WHAAAT ?” – and never the twain would meet. Sighh ..

Now, were I clever enough to find a pattern that fitted my arse, its shoulders would be falling off mine, and the rest of its top half would be hanging in a wrinkly muddle almost down to my midriff.

What to do ?

There ! – I added an image, anyway. Reams of text are off-putting.

I had reached farther than midway point on one of those hexagonal granny-stitch cardigans by following instructional videos from the dearest bloke who works very hard to be as helpful as possible (and he is !) – the point where the tops of the inverted Ls have been joined and they have been crocheted together, and I tried it on. Same old same old. Of course.

So: am I going to frog it all – approx. 6 balls of Stylecraft Special DK, which is a shitload of wool – because whereas my instructor’s hexagons required 18 rows, mine required 24 – in a rage ?

I am not.

I am going to invent how to add an inverted V of short rows – yesyes, I do realize it won’t be in granny stitch ! – to each front edge. I shall make it as fancy as I can; but short rows’ being hitherto unknown to me I am not sanguine about the ‘fancy’ part. The gussets (sort of) will probably end up as garter stitch. But if they can achieve two straight edges that will meet, I shall be ecstatic, regardless of their total unlikeness to the rest of the cardi.

I shall post a photo or two along the way. You are at liberty to shudder and turn your eyes away ..