.. exactly what the problem is for me here – cf https://wp.me/p6zYMn-53e.
It can be encapsulated within five words:
I AM NOT IN CONTROL.
For the first time in my adult life, I am living in a place where I do not call the shots.
That is so not me that I find it absolutely astounding to understand, now and not earlier than now, that I hadn’t grasped why I have been so unhappy over the last few months.
I am not living, as it were, proactively: I am always behind, running after things in reaction.
My mail is missing ? – it’s in their “disinfecting” room somewhere, but they won’t search until they find it. I’m going to have to create a stink again and turn up every day ’round at the security check-in until someone pulls his finger out and takes another look.
My kitchen range-hood won’t work ? – the person in charge of this kind of thing takes the filter off to have it put through the main house dishwasher. She does not accept that the filter is not the problem: she says, in a polite but unmistakably condescending fashion, that no-one else’s range-hood has ever given trouble .. The phrase hangs in the air.
A family decides – in spite of Geelong’s being under Stage 3 restrictions – to visit on Fathers’ Day and bring loudly shouting children to play in the very small “grassed” area between these units ? There is no-one for me to speak to about this infuriating fact because it’s Sunday; and I can scarcely address the vile children, as none of the other residents appears to give a shit. I must respond as does everyone else.
If those examples appear petty to you, you have an entirely different mind-set from mine. To me they are insufferable.
I am not in control of how I live, and I can’t live like that.
I should never have come to an institution like this; and I would never have thought of doing so had I not been approached with an offer.
It seemed like a godsend at the time, getting me out of a lease that was problematic. And there you begin to see: I am a difficult bloody woman, and I don’t like to be under anyone’s control. That time it was the RE agent, who represented irresponsible owners and who had told me lies when I was looking over the place about new carpet and re-painting. I successfully obtained – eventually – the new carpet by taking them to VCat; but the re-painting was never going to happen. I don’t like finding myself completely stymied – especially in the light of having been lied to.
Having long since found myself among the invisible (read: “old”) people, it’s hard enough living a life that can be described as satisfactory; and my Damascus moment of a few hours ago – it’s currently 3:30am ! – has shown me, inter plura alia, that it is far, far from that.
I am posting about it because I want to drive myself to DO something ..
Obviously I am going to have to move; and equally obviously I do not know to where. Or how. Moving is fearfully expensive. Shall I just walk away and leave everything behind ? – throw it out ? Try to sell it ? Donate it ? Move into someone’s furnished rental ? Where ? HOW to get rid of all my own stuff ? Surely there are some things I want to keep ?
My head is spinning a bit.
But I’m not slowly going bonkers, as I had worried deeply that I was.
I’m just totally frustrated and – surprise, surprise ! – angry.
I am an angry person, under the humour. I’ve been this way since January 29th 2005: holding to myself a deep-seated anger that what happened then ended one life and destroyed the other. He didn’t want to leave me and I didn’t want him to leave me; and maybe it all comes back to that ..
But at least I know, now, that my life is totally unsatisfactory and I am going to have to do something about it.