On changing ..

I’ve always thought of myself as a person who doesn’t like change.

But now I think that’s bullshit: I’ve been occupying myself with nothing but change since .. well, probably since Chic died. (I’m so repulsed by the use of “passed” ! – what’s it supposed to mean ? Passed from this world to the next, probably. Seeing as how there isn’t another one, it’s a meaningless and euphemistic term and I eschew it.) I’ve moved from one place to another in an unceasing round of seeking a home and never finding one, which I attribute to a lack of the necessary funds. I mean, had I been still working, say (at the age of 69 which was when I rejoined the human race), or the winner of a small but satisfactorily sufficient sum in the lottery (for which I’ve never bought a ticket) .. why, then I could’ve rented a nice little unit in Sydney somewhere and settled into a life of ease.

And I would never have met those met after leaving Sydney; I would never have come to understand how it’s Melbourne that’s now my emotional ‘home’; and most of all, I would never (I’m almost sure) have decided to pare myself down.

I was telling my very old friend S on the phone just yesterday that I don’t FEEL any different – that I still feel like the great fat slob who’s the only person I can actually recall myself being.

I mean, HONESTLY ..! Why did the unfortunate Stringer have to have a wife looking like that ?! – and he actually loved me !!! I did once tell him that he was an idiot for it; but he only did his hangdog routine about “You just called me an idiot ..” that always made me laugh. Btw, I wasn’t always as fat as in that photo; I reckon I was at Peak Plumpness then – 110kg—115kg !

What I said to S is absolutely true: when you’ve looked at yourself and seen a large, fairly-shapeless-but-for-the-roundness-or-convexity person for years and years, it’s a very strange – weird, really – thing to know you’re not that person any more but to be unable to accept it.

When I sit back on the recliner with my feet on it so that my knees are together and on a level with my nose (I hope you get what I mean !), there’s a gap between my thighs !!! – big gap. SO odd .. And when I have to look in the mirror to pull out an eyebrow hair that’s trying to do a Little Johnny Howard on me, I see that my cheeks go IN now – not out any more. But I can easily forget these oddities so that within moments my brain has me looking like that person up there with huge arms .. Pertaining to which, just try to imagine where the skin holding in all that ‘avoir dupoids’ has gone – like, nowhere. It’s all still here !
ACK !!! That’ll teach me to lose weight at my age ! {Late addition: I laughed loudly suddenly, remembering that phrase from the ’70s – I think ! – that was so popular when blokes met: “Gimme some skin, man !” [grin]}

Maybe that’s why I have such trouble thinking of myself as anything but the person I’ve grown so used to – that I still need to wear clothes as camouflage rather than as a covering. I look around me and see women in their hundreds who are far fatter than I’ve ever been blithely going about in sleeveless blouses and shorts and I can only marvel at their strength of character. Where did they find the power ??!

Anyway. I know, finally, that I’ll never return to the fatty up there. I’m now this other person, and it would kill me to return. There’s no rhyme or reason to it: I still don’t know why I did it – well, other than a kind of niggling wish not to be quite as I was .. I recall posting whingeingly about trying this or that (e.g., smaller portions – hyoh hyoh !) and my lack of success. And I recall Whispering Gums’ suggestion about Weight Watchers .. who now chase me by SMS, hoping I’ll fall into line and behave as I’m meant to, rather than following my own personal methodology (and why is she continuing to achieve weight loss when she does NO exercise ?!) – which is not a methodology at all but merely laziness.

There’s some mystery here, my weight loss. Truly ! And no, I don’t have some lingering disease that’s slowly consuming me – or a tape-worm !!! My wonderful but grossly over-worked GP, Cecile, together with her wonderful but grossly over-worked Practice Nurse, Dora, look after my health sternly, and I love them both. But when I weighed in this-morning at 78.8kg and understood that it’s true, I can still lose weight, and maybe even get down to that fantastical 70kg one day, I was very pleased but primarily mystified.

I can’t help wondering if the inability to accept myself as I am is an indicator that I really DO hate change ..

18 thoughts on “On changing ..

  1. I hate to burst your bubble but I have noticed that it seems easier for girls to lose weight closer to 70 than in their 50’s or 60’s and I wonder if it is to do with metabolism somehow. Anyway, very well done. Your tenacity knows no bounds and I am referring to abodes as well as dietary adherance.
    Note: After reading this post, I no longer take offense at being called an idiot by you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I did tell you how I was always saying that to Stringer ! :D
    That’s an interesting point, Amanda, about metabolism and age; I shall see what I can research. But there’s no bubble-bursting coz I long to have the problem solved ..


  3. Once I reached my mid 40s, I found I quickly added lots of flab and fat (mostly fat, but also weight), and this without consuming any more food/treats. I attribute this to slowing metabolism. C’est logique, non?!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been doing the 5/2 diet for a month now. “Fasting” here means consuming no more than 500 calories on two days each week. (Funny how those two days of fasting feel like five!) I’ve lost some belly fat, so I’m happy.

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’m pretty sure it can continue indefinitely, as long as you try to organise for mostly balanced meals that contain all, or most of, those vitamins and nutrients, etc., your body needs, including for both meals consumed on the 500-calorie-limit “fasting” days. In other words, even those two limited-eating days should consist of meals tailored to contain as many different nutrients as possible for you to stay healthy. There are plenty of 5:2 recipes online, too, mostly centred on lean chicken or fish, or completely vegetarian. I suppose you can also include the odd day – every month or so – where you can allow yourself to go full-on Emperor of Ancient Rome (to avoid saying “pig out”) for din-dins.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You look very happy there M-R – and well done on the weight loss – but looking happy is the most important thing. Dare I ask if there is any news of the unit? (I need a anxious-hopeful-looking emoji here)!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nothing today: it was yet another Public Holiday, Sue. I have my fingers firmly crossed for tomorrow arvo, late ..
      I was indeed happy: those were days before Chic’s lung cancer had been diagnosed ..


  6. MR, know that I will love you (even though I haven’t been here for eons) (sorry) no matter what you think of yourself because we are always our own worst critic. Even in my 20’s, at my lowest adult weight, I found fault with some part of me. That being said, I am glad you have a doctor and nurse practitioner that look after your health. It means that you get to enjoy a longer life and your blogger buddies get to enjoy you.

    Okay, so off now to make healthy fruit muffins and see why Gibbs is being so quiet. :-)

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I don’t know for sure, of course, but it seems to me that you’re engaged in thinking about your weight loss methods within the context of your life story. I think we do this with greater intention at our age. When we were younger we spent all of our energy just getting through life–sometimes just surviving events! You’re likely more in touch with your body and how you feel. And being thin isn’t about getting into skinny jeans. Who cares? But it feels like health and that’s addicting in its own way. I have just described my own journey, so forgive me M-R if this isn’t how you see it! I’m just so glad to know that you’ve made your health your priority. Life is complex enough, and we don’t need to add reasons for our physicians to nag us. :-)

    Liked by 1 person

Go on - you can say it. :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s