Remember my wailing about wonderful Spanish patterns that I can’t read ? And how I almost immediately came across someone offering a translation service for crochet patterns ?

WELL ..

I did have to wait a bit, because Carmin had received a lot of orders. But was it worth it ? – the work is .. it is FANTASTIC !

Carmin has turned out a beautiful and absolutely comrehensible pattern – better than any I’ve seen, not to exaggerate.

Just look at the work that’s been added ! – remembering that all this has come from a video that has nothing but the spoken word for help.

I’m almost speechless with admiration !

Any crocheter who has found a liked pattern in a foreign language take note of the email address contained in Carmin’s thank-you note – paypalpal1964@gmail.com:

And again I leap up waving my fists in the air and cry “I HAVE IT !”

Totally different topic from that in which I uttered a similar cry some posts back: this time I’ve formed a theory about — ugh ! — weight loss.

For reasons I cannot recall, I found myself watching on the laptop a series of UK television programmes called “Supersize vs Superskinny”, fronted by a bloke of whose  qualifications I am entirely ignorant but who obviously lifts weights in his spare moments. He also wears form-fitting rather loud shirts outside his trousers, and I shall utter not another syllable about that.

‘Dr Christian’ has a formulaic show that must work as it’s into its 6th or 7th (or maybe more ?) series; and we all know that no TV network screens that many episodes of a show unless it’s pulling in the figures. Unintended pun there ..

Its central idea is putting one of each kind into his ‘feeding house’ after establishing, via daily eating diaries of who knows how many weeks, what their entrenched diets are. Then at all three meals the serving each has produced (or has been produced for them, I can’t make that bit out) is swapped over to the other. This provides entertainment along the lines of watching a skeletonic woman looking down in despair at the third gigantic meal of the day sent across the table by her opposite, a huge woman in more despair than she is because of having two Mars bars on a plate in front of her.

But before that viewers are treated to looking over eight huge and eight skeletonic people standing around a weighing machine.

And it’s at this early point that I have been infuriated: not a single superisze woman has a shape like mine ! See that ? – she has ANKLES ! She could walk into a shoe shop and buy shoes – or into Kmart and buy socks ! I started out having inherited my mother’s somewhat shapeless ankles; but mine grew grossly disgusting as I grew fatter. Now I have to admit to not having worn a skirt for approximmately 45 years, just to keep mine from the public gaze.

That is a woman who, we are told, weighs something like 24 stone (152.5 kg) because this is a British programme – featuring lots of Poms, Welsh and Scots, but no Irish .. Rather odd, that ..

Anyway. We see what she eats. It’s appalling – almost incredible – and she’s by no means the worst ! And this really gets to me; because her daily intake would be around .. oh, three or four times the size of mine, at least. No shit ! Mind you, I don’t weigh 152.5 kg (103.1); but our body shapes are not all that different except for the ankles ..

For her, too much takeaway. (In fact I believe I can say that every supersize we see in all the programmes has the same problem, and revolting takeaway food — have you SMELLED a Subway shop lately ? — is proliferating.) For me, ‘portions’ that are far too big. Really good food, though almost vegetarian, that’s delicious. I eat too much of it. I also drink far too much milk coffee: shot pulled from my espresso machine and the mug filled with HOT HOT lactose-free milk.

The pair spends a couple of days in this double torture and then gets lectured and given a diet plan for the next two or three months. We next see their returns: the skinnies have managed to add a pound or two, but the fatties have gone down stones ! I am filled with jealous rage ..

So. My St Paul moment – time to reveal it.

Any fat person who is given a diet plan and who can look forward to reporting in on it on a regular basis will lose weight and continue to do so.

It’s fundamental. If I knew I had an authorititive supervisor who kept on seeing me at intervals, I would be motivated to perform. Indefinitely.

The problem is that when one has no-one to talk with about a regimen, let alone report in on it, it’s a waste of time even trying. I need someone up there (meaning up the hierarchical chain) to listen to me waffling on about my terror of being hungry. I did briefly try a psychologist a few years ago, but all he did was tell me how wonderful I am; and that is not only psychological porkies, but intolerable.

I shall get back onto my donkey and clip-clop away ..

[grin]

I had NO IDEA there were so many clever crocheting women whose language is Spanish and who post enviable patterns to their YouTube channels. It started with that gorgeous pattern I last posted; and then Google started feeding me Spanish posts until I was bloody overwhelmed !

I commenced to become distressed by it all – so many glorious patterns, no way of accessing them (the English ‘translations’ are garbage thrown from the Tower of Babel).

Then, just TODAY !, I found this link. You may pray for me, all you believers; for I do not myself indulge in such activity.  [grin]

This’d be fine in a decent colour.

Now HERE’s a claret-coloured bolero ! :)

Don’t think I’d go to Machu Picchu ..

I’ve asked if s/he will translate this one. I’d give my wisdom teeth to have a usable pattern.

Take a quick gink at the opening of the YouTube video here, and you’ll possibly realize that the pattern would appeal madly to moi !   :D

You’ll also comprehend without doubt that it brings with it a problem I’m unable to solve; and it occurred to me that there just might be someone out there who knows of a potential solution – because I know some of you are geeks !

How to get a translation – subtitles would be fine, of course – in English from this amazingly talented Mexican lady’s YouTube video ?

There are closed captions there, but they’re in Spanish, presumably for deaf people. Unlike some sites, the captions are offered only in the language of the channel.   :(

Not only is this delightful A-shaped cardi pattern in her gallery, but a number of other patterns that would give me pleasure to make. So I’m desperate to find some kind of solution ..

P.S. My wonderful, clever friend the Goanna has the answer that requires no effort at all from me ! (Sue also has the geek answer, below; but it means I must pull the ancient finger out and WORK !)

I go to the video, turn captions ON and go to settings, then to Subtitles/CC;

then to Spanish (auto-generated) and THEN to Auto-translate. At which point practically every world language drops down and I have only to select English !

Of course it’s “translated” English; but that is defintely sufficient for my porpoises !

A big fat THANK-YOU to both ladies. I’m perfectly sure Sue’s solution works; but I can mess up anything ..

I’ve gone back to knitting ! For a long time my arthritic little and ring fingers on the left hand wouldn’t enable that – not without a lot of angry screaming in pain, anyway. I managed to (sort of) train those fingers straight rather than curled while holding the object being knitted: a modern miracle !

What’s actually new is that I’m knitting a top-down cardigan ! Top down ? – this is something I have eschewed my whole knitting life. No, I don’t recall what ingrained that habit; but ingrained it was and many a top-down object was scornfully passed over. My US friend Michele LOVES top-down – in fact, I think it might be all she knits – and she is so superb a knitter that I eventually decided there must be sumpn’ in that top-down stuff. (My other genius knitter is a Pom; and Phil does the most astounding fair isle/stranded knitting you’ve ever seen !)

This first effort is a test for me: it already contains split yarn (half-knitted-through) in some stitches, and M1Ls where M1Rs ought be. But I don’t care ! – if I can finish it, it will be A Major Achievement !

The body – which after a few plain rows I shall be embarking on – contains “lace”. It’s not really lace, just some patterned YOs, but it will relieve my far-from-expert stocking stitch.

It’s almost exciting !

P.S. Thought I’d better add the pattern photo to prevent anyone else’s thinking my project is a bolero ! PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT the same shape/size of this young lady. I’m taller and not much smaller around the bum; but as I said, she’s apple-shaped and I’m pear-shaped. This means she has big tits and I don’t. Alas.

MS Outlook is pretty good at finding spam: not a single email bearing an African name gets through [grin].

I rather like the ones that have Subjects like “Hello dear”, or “Wells Frago grant” – spam that can make me laugh is pretty good, I sometimes think.

But one from today takes the cake:

Hmmm .. shall I open it ? – might it have a genuine offer inside ?

I’ve been here, I’ve been there.

Tried dabbling in my own deep interests (e.g., US politics up to Joe’s much sought-after and totally vindicating election; or vegetarian recipes).

I’ve tried theming my blog.

Of recent times I’ve so done away with theming that I don’t even have categories or tags.

Some masochists might recall that this time ’round I opened it up in crochet and knitting mode.

Sighh ..

Somewhere I lost my way.

It’s possible that I’ve grown anxious about providing stuff that interests everyone who  visits my blog. (I left out the ‘l’ in that last word; and the resultant sentence caused me to fall about laughing. Possibly my problem is simple-mindedness ?)

Anyway.

There is a porpoise to all this whingeing. And yes, I believe FIRMLY that the word must include an ‘e’; whinging simply doesn’t look right. But .. I shouldn’t need BOTH an ‘e’ and an ‘i’ to soften the ‘g’ .. So perhaps I’ll bit the bullet from now on.

There’s a purpose to my whinging (eeeek !): I’ve decided to revert to some topics, but not many.

• • Knitting and Crochet (the activity I spend most time on)
  • Aging (the various signs of  which are creeping on)
  • My environment (nicely non-specific, covers a shitload)

One thing you will see very little of is gardening, as in days of yore –

because my balcony has proved itself to be a furnace. Last week we had days of around 30-32 degrees from Tuesday to Saturday inclusive: as my balcony is never less than about 12-15 degrees hotter than the BoM says is happening, all the little plants in my standing planter-box were cooked. I watered them when the sun wasn’t around, but it didn’t/couldn’t save them.

I do have – Something ! in mind, though ..

1. I decided some time ago that motif crochet has lost its appeal. Why didn’t I stick to this ?!
2. Not having done so and started on the CAL, I  find I prefer JAYG (join as you go) anyway – which can’t apply to making something whereof the rest of the parts are unknown.
3. Tunisian crochet doesn’t seem to like to be made into ‘squares’ (quote marks because they’re rarely equal all ’round). Well .. perhaps that’s a stupid thing to say: if you’re a tunisian professional you might well be able to start at the bottom and crochet up and it looks great.
4. I have no need of a blanket; and I don’t have the space to display it (were I able to complete it well enough).
5. A blogging friend, the professional Dora Does, has written of her gradual separation from an overwhelming need for ‘perfection’ – this I comprehend well as a drive to not make ONE SINGLE MISTAKE, and to frog fiercely (and with rage) when one is found. I am still struggling with overcoming this; and an entire blanket’s creation is not going to help.
6. It is very expensive in terms of the necessary yarn. Possibly this is, in truth, my main rationale ..    :\

So much for the old man’s underpants. But thanks to the talented Rachel Henri, I now know at least one way of making a square in the round in Tunisian crochet.

I’m on my A-line shape thing again.

To enable the effectiveness of crochet patterns for jumpers and cardis for women with big (_|_)s, the first step could be said to be—

INCLUDING A MEASUREMENT FOR HIPS.

That’s a chart for a really nice (existing pattern) cardi. Had it a third column, of hip measurements, it would show clearly that my top part is in the range of one of those sizes but my lower part within the next one.    :(

Here’s a sketch from a pattern I once bought:

“April Sweater” – Originally Lovely pattern

Amazingly helpful info., except for the missing hip or bum measurement.

ANYWAY .. The extraordinarily productive and helpful Dora Does has put out an eBook called “How to Crochet Clothes that Fit (and you actually Want to Wear)”, a very appealing title ! The key to the whole thing is, as I have already realized, GAUGE. And here is where my insuperable problem raises its horrid head ..

I have never in my crocheting or knitting life been able to achieve gauge, and it’s always for the same reason: my ROWS get there without trouble, but my number of STITCHES is always, always too many. If the gauge is meant to be 7 rows by 6 stitches (within a 2″ square), I will never do better than 7 rows (√) and 8 stitches .. 14 rows and 16½ stitches and all I can come up with is 14 rows (√) and 19 stitches. I am cursed !!! Of course if I make my stitches wider, they always become, as well, higher.   [sob !]

So that although Dora’s eBook has some wonderful calculations meant to allow you to work out how to alter the size in various different parts of a garment, the calc.s won’t work for me because my gauge is out of whack.

Thus I’ve had to give up that idea, and simply do my own increasing. I’m currently on a sweater the pattern wants me to fsc 88ch for, which will end up with that same number at the top; I’ve started with 98fsc and am decreasing by 2 sts every 5 rows, starting with the 15th. I shall hold it up against me when I’m down to 88 and then continue to that “measured” distance.

But I am full of angst ..

ADDITIONAL – next day

The wonderful Dora has adjured me to forget the rows and concentrate on the stitches part of the gauge. Makes sense: especially for patterns wherein the measurement of the pieces’ height is not critical.

And then, as well, the amazing PDX Knitterati repeated exactly the same instruction (it applies to knitting as well as to crochet).

So: once I have achieved the relevant horizontal gauge, I should be hot to trot with Dora’s calculations ..

No, not me .. Give me a break !!

But this-morning I landed upon a group of male dancers on YouTube who perform under their leader’s name – Ricardo Walker. It’s a video about dance’s evolution since the ’50s; and whilst I’m sceptical about a couple of them, by far the bulk are – well, take a look ..

Oh, but don’t unless you love to watch excellent dancers in  almost perfectly synchronized movement ..

How happy I was to see Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk – my favourite piece since .. I don’t remember when !

Which reminds me (no, don’t panic: I had that on my blog for long enough) of some more terrific male dancers ..

There’s something indescribably pleasing about these guys’ movement in sync., don’t you think ..? Here’s my final offering for today: it combines both Ricardo’s dancers and a song of Bruno’s.

For a moment, I had to cudgel the ancient brain in an effort to recall how many times I’ve either made or almost made this square. It was all because I do not have the correct weight of yarn; so it was all my own fault. (Yesyes: mea culpa !)

But this yarn – bought only the gods know how long ago from Ice Yarns – has been the sole one to allow me to create a centre “daisy” that looks not so much like an old man’s Y-fronts as, possibly, one of those sink-strainers you use also as a plug .. Well, that’s my thought, anyway ..

It’s going to have to do, at least for the time being. I shall post it on my CAL2021 page (remember Pages as opposed to Posts ?) as Square No. 1; and only when I have entirely forgotten it might I make another, better version – possibly even using worsted weight yarn !! And this is why I haven’t blocked it. No, that’s a lie: it’s one of the reasons why .. and the other is that I have no blocking materials. All that stuff is so hideously expensive for an old fart living on the pension and in a high-rise apartment she shouldn’t be in in terms of rent.

But don’t you think the burgundy and gold go well together ? – such a pity that in order to end up with a 30.5cm square with a centre that one’s eyes can slide over without causing one to cry “Eewww ! – what’s THAT in the middle ?!” while using too light a yarn (which also meant NOT going no.s 10 and 9 in hooks) my gauge had to be hopeless.

I am very sorry, Rachel, if you happen to come across this post: I meant to do better by you, truly !

I have finished Rachel’s square.

Don’t bother to complain about the soft focus or the curling up or the lack of blocking. This is going to be frogged, and I’m going to make it again again again. I cannot live with the old man’s undies.

I will not resist the chance to say that my gauge matches Rachel’s to the centimetre ! [smug smile] Here’s hoping I can replicate that; because I’m going to use different wool for the next one ..

You’ll have to put up with the fact that I’m deeply engrossed in this, and will be posting about it whenever I need to ..

Firstly, here is, again, my first (unfinished) version of Rachel’s square:

which was created using a very short size 8mm double-ended hook.

Here is my current (equally unfinished) version:

which is underway using [gasp !] a size 10mm (green) for the pattern rows and a size 9mm (blue) for the reverses. I had made another square using a size 8mm on one end and a size 6.5mm on the other; and when I reached something like row 10 and was still a bridge too far from completion, I realized that I was going to be using far too much yarn. Hence the frogging of that square and re-commencement with the much larger hook sizes.

Here is the designer’s own:

and what is making me rage futilely is that beautifully neat centre – a little star-flower, see it there ? My centre, although I followed the pattern exactly, looks like an old bloke’s underpants.   :(

The rest of mine is .. OK; although my incessant froggings and startings again loosened the twist of the wool. Recall, if you can stomach it, the weird way I hold the yarn: in my right hand and therefore looped around in a direction opposite to that in which the rest of the world loops it. Since about 98% of yarns are what’s called S-twist – left-to-right – my opposite direction gradually UNtwists ’em ! (The other 2% are Z-twist – right to left; and I would like it if all yarns could be bought either one or the other. TFB. Sighh ..)

Oh well. As long as I don’t embarrass la très talentueuse Rachel, I suppose I’m doing OK.